THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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