Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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