Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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