Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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