Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
