you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
