I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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