It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize