tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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