Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
