Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
