just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
