you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
why do cheetos always look like penises
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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