Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
