dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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