New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
