you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
