Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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