I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
