Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
