I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
