I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize