Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
