You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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