Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
