You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
