Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
