Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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