She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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