I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize