I heard we made out
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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