I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
