I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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