she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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