Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
