Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
