mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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