i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize