I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
