you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Randomize
