Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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