Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
