go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
