Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize