i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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