I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize