I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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