Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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