I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
