An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
