Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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