Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
