i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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