I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
