why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
