Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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