And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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