new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
