He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
