I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
