i love accidental penises.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
