Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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