It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
