dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Two words: blizzard sex
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
