she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
